I AM 18
I am 18 and just secured an admission to a college in the east coast. My mother is in an abusive relationship with my father. He is domineering, cursed out my mother and her children. At times he beats my mom and the children. The last incident, my mother was in the hospital for three days. What makes the situation sad, my mother would defend him. It is the way of life with African men she would say. Is it true that African men do not respect their spouses? With the current situation, I am planning not to come home to my parents as soon as I start college. “Worried questioner”.
Dear “worried questioner”, your decision not to come back home may not be a solution. I am not sure whether you are a male or female but no matter your sex, your mom needs your support. You may be her only support group because she may be ashamed to share her experience with friends or members of her family.
Domestic abuse or intimate partner violence is a common occurrence all over the world. It is not restricted to African, black or poor people alone but many are afraid to cry out when they are in abusive relationship.
For you to help your mom, she needs someone like you or professional counselor to listen to her story. If it is not done professionally, you may re-victimize her depends on the type of questions and innuendos you make about this incident.
The type of questions you ask victims like your mom may do more harm instead of helping her. Questions such as why don’t you leave our father? Why would anyone in their right mind stay with him? It seems my mom likes the abuse hence her failure not to move out of the relationship? The questions why women continue in abusive relationship are varied and complicated. A woman who is being abused may leave several times in her mind and actually attempt to move out several times before she is finally out. Poverty has nothing to do with it. We have several cases of celebrity who are in abusive relationship and for one reason or the other; they stay in the relationship despite the humiliation they experience daily.
To most of the women who are in abusive relationship, the following reasons among others may make them to stay in the relationship. Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave. There is every tendency for the abuser to trace and locate them and do more harm if they move out of the relationship. Homicides incidents happened most when the victims decided to leave the abusers.
Another reason may be fear of negative response or lack of understanding from family members, friend, police, pastors, counselors, courts or the culture where marriage is seen as forever no matter the circumstances. The victim may also be committed to her family. She may want to keep the family together no matter what. Children need their father, may be an excuse. Denial may be another reason. Victim may say it’s really not bad. That other people had it worse.
Finally, guilt may be a major reason why victim may decide to stay. The victim may believe that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of hers, or see situation as her faults or she may think she deserve the treatment meted on her.
The above explanations may not be exhaustive. You may contact the writer through phone or email for additional information or individual counseling.