BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE
She just busted into our home as if she owns the place, said about her sister-in-law. She didn’t call; she did not ring the bell; she just came right in. When asked what she has done to stop this, said, what can I do? I didn’t want to be rude. Plus, she would probably play the offended victim if I told her to stop
Amanda and Terry have been married for five years. For Terry to take any decision in his house, he has to consult his mom. Once in a week, mom would cook food and bring it to the house. According to Amanda, Terry prefers his mom’s food because he is used to it.
Where are you going? Yvonne asked her husband, Habib. It was 5:00am, and by the troubled look in Habib’s eyes, she knew his father had called him to report in his house.
Boundaries are the relational marks that signal an interpersonal or other barrier that should not be crossed without permission of the person or entity that set it. Whether it is a sign that reflects the law and reads ‘speed limit 45’ or the knowledge that talking on the phone during therapy session or church service is impolite.
The Bible describes boundaries with words like truth, justice, honesty, righteousness, integrity and holiness. Persons can use boundaries to promote love and connection with others. When people live within their God ordained boundaries, they can be safe and trusting with one another. Learning how to set boundaries is an important aspect of learning how to care for, respect and love oneself.
Boundaries in a relationship are similar to boundaries on your property. Without a boundary of some kind, you are likely to have arguments or difficulties with your neighbors. The boundary line tells you, this is where your property ends and mine begins. Unfortunately, in many families today, the issue of boundary is a major challenge to most women. Their in-laws believe that their sons or brothers own the house hence they can come without prior notice.
When I got married my cousins or nephews would visit us. My wife would entertain them and after finished eating, they would leave the plates on the dining table expecting my wife to clear and wash the plates. I knew my wife did not like it and she did not like to be rude especially some of them were young and still in high schools. I decided to let them know my stand by starting to wash my own plates and they decided to follow same.
In one of my recent seminars in Houston, a woman was sharing her present experience whereby her husband could not do anything without the approval of her mother- in-law. According to her, she doesn’t want to be rude to her mother- in-law and at the same time, she wants to have the last saying concerning her home. She wants her mother-in-law to take care of her own husband instead of her son. To many women this is one of the challenges they face in their homes when in –laws or friends of their husbands intervene in the running of their marital homes and the husband would not see anything wrong in it. At times, it can also be the relatives or friends of the wives.
To avoid conflict in your relationship with your in-laws you may need to:
- Set boundaries and check them often. Once the rules are set, you can continue to improve on it. You may need to agree with your spouse.
- You may need to discuss your expectations with your spouse. I know of a family, they do not allow any family, to stay with them. Instead they will rent a house and pay the rent for any family members who need help.
- Speak and discuss your expectations and your boundaries I love and truth. Be assertive about how you feel, but do it in a way that expresses love and commitment to the relationship.
- Discern between rights and responsibilities especially those of us who are from Africa because of our culture. The assumption is that the house of my brother or sister is my house.
Once you and your spouse speak in one voice, it will be very easy to enforce any rules or regulations that you set concerning your home.